Can’t Get it Out of My Mind

I keep playing the details over and over again in my head.  When I’m sitting in any amount of quiet I can’t get it out of my mind.  This past week I had to serve, for the first time in my life, as a juror.  I found out in November that I would be on jury duty for the month of December.  I really didn’t expect much to come of it to be honest.  I had heard so many stories of people having jury duty, calling in every night, and never having to actually go in.  I was a little excited though.  I knew that the whole process of it would intrigue me.  The whole court process and justice system always has, even though I have never even stepped foot in a court house.  The first two nights that I had to call in I got the recording that no jurors were being called in.  But then Monday night when I called in I was told that all jurors were being requested to appear at the courthouse on Tuesday morning.  So I made the 3o minute drive on a beautiful sunny morning, thankful for the fact that the roads were not snow covered, an unusual thing for Michigan in December!  After entering the building, going thru metal detectors, and following the group of people that I had asked if they were reporting for jury duty, and making it up to the 3rd floor, we all took our seat in the back of the court room.  I would guess there were at least 50-70 of us.  Shortly thereafter the Judge came in and gave us about an hour long court orientation, since it was the first trial of the month.  I think that’s why they called up all jurors, so they could explain the system.  The judge handled the orientation really well, and it was neat to hear a little about how things are handled and what you can expect.  Kind of took me back to high school, sitting and learning in that type of setting about our American justice system and how it works!  At the end of the orientation he let us know that it was now time to begin the jury selection process.  He told us what kind of case we would be hearing.  It wasn’t pleasant, and it wasn’t going to be easy.  Suspect is charged with 4 counts of CSC to the 1st degree – with a minor.  At this point I am still thinking the chances of being chosen are very slim.  They call up the first 14 initial jurors.  The prosecuting attorney and the defense attorney begin their series of questions.  A number of people had been let go for one reason or another and more juror numbers were picked from the box, and more possible jurors were questioned.  Being called up after the initial 14 was tougher though.  The questions seemed tougher and they were directed more right at you, not in general and vague like they were to the initial 14.  They kept calling it the “hot seat” when you got called up because they were going to ask you things.  Approximately 20 some jurors had been called up, and many had been dismissed for one reason or another.  And the next number that was called was that of mine.  It was a little surreal, and I walked up and took my seat in the jury box.   I was questioned by both the prosecuting attorney and the defense attorney.  To say I felt like everyone could visibly see my heart pounding outside of my chest is an understatement.  It’s weird to be questioned in front of a number of people in a courtroom.  All eyes are on you, and at this point in the process people are wondering if you will pass or fail, if they will keep you or send you home.  The prosecuting attorney said “I see you have three daughters.  What are their ages”.  This relaxed me a bit.  My girls are my pride and joy.  I answer yes and that they are 7, 5, and 4.  She asked if they get in a fight or if I have to solve a scuffle between them, how do I handle it?  How do I know who’s lying or telling the truth?  I answer that as  a parent it’s a little easier because I know their mannerisms and I can usually tell who is lying.  She agreed and said in this case I won’t know the people, so how do I know then?  I answer by saying I listen to the whole story.  I take in all the information and judge character of someone, I watch how they act, I watch their eyes.  The Prosecuting Attorney fascinated me.  She was beautiful, you could tell she was a strong woman.  I speculated she was a mother – maybe about 38 - 40 years old. She was direct but yet not intimidating to the jurors.  She asked me a few more questions, and then the defense attorney came up.  He too seemed fairly young, and I remember him saying he was a father at one point in his questioning of someone.  One of the things I recall him asking me was “If you were a final juror and you went into deliberation after the trial was done, and if you believed the suspect was not guilty and everyone else believed he/she was guilty, would you be able to stick to your guns and not fold if you truly believed your stance?”  I replied that “yes,  I could.”  He asked me how I knew I could.  I replied “because if I believe something in my heart and have a feeling that I know where I stand, that I could stay strong”.    At one point I was asked if some of the words that we were told we were going to hear would offend me.  Of if I would hold it against the attorney’s for using those words.  They also asked if I had known anyone who had been sexually abused.  They were  hard questions to answer in front of a bunch of people.  I definitely felt put on the spot.  They moved on.  For a total of 2 1/2 hours they went thru possible juror after juror.  I wasn’t asked to leave though.  It was starting to seem like they were narrowing down on their jury selection.  In fact at one point the judge asked for a side bar to speak with the attorney’s and we speculated that he was telling them they needed to wrap it up.  I remember at certain points chuckling with a few fellow jurors at the dismissal of yet another juror.  And I imagined the jurors who were sitting in the back yet, just getting more and more nervous that their number might be called up.  Finally at about quarter after 12 the final jury was selected.  I was a juror in a trial that was going to last at least 3 days.  I was going to hear many stories of CSC in the 1st degree.  I questioned in my head if I was ready for this.  We were reminded as a jury what our role was.  That in the USA everyone is innocent until proven guilty and that we would have to make a decision based on the evidence put before us that the suspect was guilty “BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT”.  The words we heard many times.  The prosecuting attorney was responsible to prove to us that the allegations were true beyond a reasonable doubt.  At one point the judge gave us a mental picture to explain this.  There was a river right down the middle of the courtroom.  The defense on one side sitting with an innocent person being charged with a crime.  On the other side is the prosecuting attorney who brought the charges for the people.  The prosecuting attorney was going to have to build a bridge over the river in order to get you to the other side.  They would do that with the building of their case.  The defense attorney could try to pull that bridge apart with their defense.  In the end – was the bridge built strong enough for you to walk across it?  We convened for lunch.  I made phone calls on my lunch letting Kyle know I had been selected for jury duty.  I had to call work to let them know I would not be able to work the next few days.  I made sure my sitters were lined up and okay with watching my girls. 

We were told what time to be back in the jury room.  Lunches were always an hour and 15 minutes long.  I remember the first time walking in to the courtroom as an official juror.  The defendants family and friends were sitting on his side and the victim’s family and friends on the other side.  They all stand up and wait for us to file in.   I don’t make eye contact.  It’s a little awkward.  What’s even more awkward is walking out at lunch and you have to walk right thru the group of family and friends.  I wished there were a different way to get back to that jury room.  What were they thinking?  That afternoon we had heard the main witness – the victim testify.  It was a long afternoon.  Over the course of the trial we heard testimony from the victim, her friend, her mother, a police officer, three detectives, a k-9 officer, a doctor, a forensic examiner, an expert in the area of child CSC and how they disclose information, two people from Michigan State Forensic Science lab, and a number of the defendants family and friends.  Some of it got very repetitive. 

As jurors we of course couldn’t discuss matter of the trial with each other or others, but we would joke about the repetitiveness.  We joked about the seats in the courtroom, that were so very uncomfortable.  We would make small talk as jurors in the jury room.  We had two 15 minute breaks each day and we were contained to this room that had a conference table, two bathrooms, a counter with coffee and hot chocolate and the like.  And us.  14 jurors thrown into the same situation on the same week.  14 lives coming together – no one knowing who the other is.  Slowly you get bits and pieces of information about each other.  There are moments of silence too.  Awkward silence.  I would look at my phone.  I played games on my ipod touch.  At the beginning I avoided eye contact with even my fellow jurors.  It’s a dynamic situation, that I really had never been in before.  Some jurors stood out.  The more vocal ones.  Some jurors sat quietly, just performing their duty.  Not real happy to be there it seemed.  There was a police officer on the jury panel.  And a lawyer (real estate, not practicing any longer though).  They stood out because we were all surprised they had gotten passed thru!  There were 4 women and 10 men.  Ages ranged from like 24 maybe to 55 maybe. 

I prayed throughout the 4 days of trial.  I prayed for both the suspect and the victim.  I prayed for the situation.  I mostly prayed for wisdom and discernment on the situation as a whole.  I asked for a gut feeling one way or another.

On Thursday afternoon the final witness had been heard.  The Suspect took the stand last.  Thursday seemed like the longest day.  Lots of information and lots of notes were taken.  I was tired.  We were actually let out by 4:00 because the defense and the prosecutor had both rested their case.  They were going to need to meet with the judge and decide on the final law that was to be given us a jurors, and they were going to give their closing arguments.  There was no sense getting into that so late in the day.   We were sent home and instructed to be back by 9:00 am the next morning and be ready to hear closing arguments and the charging of the jury.  One more day.  Possibly the hardest day. 

Friday morning was snowy – the first day of not so great weather driving the 30 minute drive.  We got started on time, and I was so intrigued by the closing arguments.  They were so well given.  Up to this point I was, and still am, fascinated by the whole process.  As horrible a case it was to hear, I wanted to be there.  I was glad to be a part.  I was intrigued by each and every person I had heard speak.  I would watch the witnesses, I would watch the friends and family in the back.  I watched the attorney’s and the judge.  I tried to take it all in.  After captivating closing arguments, we were read the law by the judge and told how we are to proceed with the jury deliberations.  And then we were told that two jurors would be sent home because they go into deliberations with 12 jurors only.  Two jurors are then considered the “alternate jurors”, and are excused.  They start with 14 jurors in case someone would get sick and not be able to hear the whole trial.  I had known this from orientation, but hadn’t really thought of it being a possibility.  I prayed in that moment my number and name would not be called.  I heard the first number called and felt relieved.  I could make it thru one more.  And then…my number  and name were called.  Frustration set over me.  I proceeded out to our jury room to collect my purse and coat.  I asked the bailiff if I was allowed to stay and sit in the back.  He told me that would be just fine.  When I walked out I was immediately stopped by someone from the prosecutors office and also someone from the  defense attorney’s office.  They asked how I thought each did.  They asked my opinion if I had one.  It was kind of a whirlwind of unexpected for me.  I left a few minutes later.  I knew the jurors were going in for deliberation.  I went for lunch, but I could barely eat.  I called my mom, Kyle (who was hunting), and Beth.   I broke down with all three.  I was angry.  I felt slighted.  The way I describe it is that I was prepared a dinner. An elaborate, good smelling, tasty looking dinner, and then once we all sat down I was told I could not partake.  For me I had sat thru 4 long days of listening to witness after witness.  I had heard vulgar things.  I had felt emotions that I needed to push aside.  I thought things in my head that a mother should not have to think about.  And now…now I cannot go in and finally talk to the people who had heard the same things I had heard.  I could not go in and discuss how we each felt, with these people I barely knew and yet we all had one very strong thing in common.  I was angry for the time I had given, just to be thrown out.  I had asked God for some sort of “answer”, and I felt it was given.  How could He not allow me to be in their stating it.  How could this be His plan.  I went back to the courthouse and waited.  If I thought it was bad before, as a juror, having to walk thru and amongst the friends and family of both victim and suspect, it was even worse now.  I couldn’t just walk thru – I had to wait WITH them.  Now you really wonder what they were thinking of me.  Were they speculating on how I would have voted?  I was asked a few things by some of the prosecutor’s “team”.  These were gals that worked for some form of child advocacy in our county I believe.  They asked how I thought it would go.  They asked if I knew who might be the foreman.  They had their speculations.  I hadn’t even thought of that yet at that point.  And after almost 2 hours there was some buzz in the hallway.  It seemed that the jurors had come to some sort of answer.  And yet I was given a glance that it may not be good.  Then one of the ladies whispered to me that it was a hung jury they believed.  Sure enough, everyone was called back into the courtroom, the jurors filed in, the elected foreman stood and announced they had a hung jury.  They judge then gave them further instructions that they need to go back in and deliberate some more.  That they could find him guilty on one of the four charges, on 2, 3 or all 4 of the charges, or non - obviously with a hung jury.   They went back in.  We went back out and waited.   At one point I was asked if I would answer some questions by the defense attorney and his team.  I wasn’t intimidated at all.  He speculated that he knew what my vote would have been.  He asked how I felt his case went.  I answered the best I could, but I also didn’t want to say too much.  He conducted himself in a respectful manner, and just told him that I had been fascinated by the whole process.  He thanked me for doing my jury duty.  He explained that besides murder in the 1st degree charge, that this type of case is one of the toughest for people to sit thru.  And arguably he said sometimes harder because of the personal matter of the talk being said.  Out in the hall way I was running things thru my mind.  Questioning what I had felt and heard.  Again, angry that I could not be in there.  Angry that I had no say.  An hour later, they were ready again.  We were called back in.  Again, the foreman was asked what the jury had decided.  Again he stated that they were a hung jury.  The Judge then stated something to the effect of the trial being over at this point and that the jury was going to be excused of their duty.  I walked out.  I wanted to catch some of them in the hall.  I wanted to know how it all went.  What happened.  I NEEDED to know what happened in the jury room, so that I could somehow lay this all to rest.   The prosecuting attorney and the lead detective were also waiting out in the hallway to get feedback.  I guess it’s how it works on cases like this – especially with a hung jury.  The case will be tried again, and they want to know what more people needed.  How the jurors felt.  It was good to listen to what happened.  It was at least somewhat freeing.  It was 11 jurors against just one.  My thoughts were validated, for the most part at least.  I am still upset that I wasn’t in there, and I still wonder if I could have changed anything, but I have to believe it was for the better that I wasn’t.

So I write this as a way to just get it off my chest.   I still don’t believe that I will stop thinking of it often yet.  Eventually I will not think of it at all, but I’m not there yet.  It’s still very hard for me to explain the actual case to people because it is so disturbing and not a fun topic to talk about, and part of getting it off my chest is being able to release that as well I think.  Part of this I write just to explain a little about jury duty.  Many people I have talked to have never done jury duty, and a few who had didn’t get called in, or had a very minor case.    

 

If you’ve made it this far in my post – WOW – you really stuck with me!    Thanks!  It feels good just to write it out!

MandaKay